When she gets lonely and the longing gets too much
She sends a cable comin' in from above
We don't need to talk at all.
Currently listening to White Lion's cover of Golden Earrings's Radar Love.
Yes, Vito Bratta is a Guitar God! *evil grins* If I have him as my sperm donor I promise to get the baby into guitar lessens the day I bring it home from the hospital!!!
*knows I am gonna get in trouble for that one and do not care*
*grins*
Tuesday, February 26, 2002
So I did actually sleep today and had more bad dreams. I am really not enjoying these... really!
Sitting here listening to Rob Zombie and Skid Row with a truly evil grin on my face. I have discovered it is hard for me to be depressed while listening to this type of high energy guitar music. Pissed? Oh yah... I can be real pissed but at this moment I am not.
I am looking at Italian sites. I found a picture of a fresco from Pompeii I just have to share.
I just have one thing to say... OUCH!!!
Sitting here listening to Rob Zombie and Skid Row with a truly evil grin on my face. I have discovered it is hard for me to be depressed while listening to this type of high energy guitar music. Pissed? Oh yah... I can be real pissed but at this moment I am not.
I am looking at Italian sites. I found a picture of a fresco from Pompeii I just have to share.
I just have one thing to say... OUCH!!!
So I sit here awake. I tried to sleep but my thoughts have kept me awake. Is it really my thoughts or was it my fears. Let's vote for the fears shall we?
I had hoped I would be in a far different place in my life at the age of 32. I didn't think I would be alone and yet I am. "The best laid plans of mice and men..." Whatever that means. *shrugs*
I don't know what I am really feeling here at this moment. Anger, fear, sadness, terror. For the past few nights I have been having horrendous dreams. 9/11. Titanic. In one dream I was tortured. Another I was raped. I fell. I was burned. I drowned. Suddenly sharks are popping into my head and scenes from a shark movie with LL Cool J that I cannot remember the name to.
In every dream I am ultimately dealing with the tragedies alone.
That was the nightmare.
I have realized... I have always had to be the strong one. There has never been someone there for me when I needed them. That is truly sad. I have people who say they love me, and I believe in their own way they do... I truly do. But when I was raped... I went through it alone. When physically broken and stuck in the Navy medical facilities for 13 months I had no moral support. Those I loved and thought loved me abandoned me, yes even my parents.
I do not try to push people away. I will not beg for their attention either. I should not have to.
For the past few days I have been wondering what is it about me... Do I expect too much? I didn't think so. Common courtesy. I don't even request respect. When a promise is given I expect it be honored. Is that too much to ask?
I am just so tired of living this pitiful wreck my life has become. This does not mean I am suicidal. I am not. It just means I am tired and cannot go on living this life.
As I type this the words to Train's "Meet Virginia" are going through my mind. "...pulls her hair back as she screams... I don't really want to live this life"
I cannot, repeat CANNOT continue living this life. What made me ME is dying inside. Already I am a shadow of the woman I once was. I don't like this. I don't like who I have become. Distrustful. Paranoid. Jaded. I cannot trust people now. I have been lied to and had my heart ripped out too often. I didn't say the pain caused me was intentional... but painful it was. And still promises have been broken.
More than anything on this Earth I need to speak with the one who matters most in my life. For reasons unknown to me, this is disallowed. I don't get it. I will never get it. I will never accept it.
Babbling? Not really say I. My mind is clear. Yes I am angry and yes I am hurt. I detest lies, either blatant or through omission. When will people learn that I ALWAYS discover the lies. I always discover when things have been kept from me... things I have a right to know.
I wish I could hate. Sometimes it would be easier if I could hate.
So I sit hear with tears in my eyes typing a message in a bottle that no one who does not know will understand, and those that do understand will not read. And all I want is to hear his voice.
I had hoped I would be in a far different place in my life at the age of 32. I didn't think I would be alone and yet I am. "The best laid plans of mice and men..." Whatever that means. *shrugs*
I don't know what I am really feeling here at this moment. Anger, fear, sadness, terror. For the past few nights I have been having horrendous dreams. 9/11. Titanic. In one dream I was tortured. Another I was raped. I fell. I was burned. I drowned. Suddenly sharks are popping into my head and scenes from a shark movie with LL Cool J that I cannot remember the name to.
In every dream I am ultimately dealing with the tragedies alone.
That was the nightmare.
I have realized... I have always had to be the strong one. There has never been someone there for me when I needed them. That is truly sad. I have people who say they love me, and I believe in their own way they do... I truly do. But when I was raped... I went through it alone. When physically broken and stuck in the Navy medical facilities for 13 months I had no moral support. Those I loved and thought loved me abandoned me, yes even my parents.
I do not try to push people away. I will not beg for their attention either. I should not have to.
For the past few days I have been wondering what is it about me... Do I expect too much? I didn't think so. Common courtesy. I don't even request respect. When a promise is given I expect it be honored. Is that too much to ask?
I am just so tired of living this pitiful wreck my life has become. This does not mean I am suicidal. I am not. It just means I am tired and cannot go on living this life.
As I type this the words to Train's "Meet Virginia" are going through my mind. "...pulls her hair back as she screams... I don't really want to live this life"
I cannot, repeat CANNOT continue living this life. What made me ME is dying inside. Already I am a shadow of the woman I once was. I don't like this. I don't like who I have become. Distrustful. Paranoid. Jaded. I cannot trust people now. I have been lied to and had my heart ripped out too often. I didn't say the pain caused me was intentional... but painful it was. And still promises have been broken.
More than anything on this Earth I need to speak with the one who matters most in my life. For reasons unknown to me, this is disallowed. I don't get it. I will never get it. I will never accept it.
Babbling? Not really say I. My mind is clear. Yes I am angry and yes I am hurt. I detest lies, either blatant or through omission. When will people learn that I ALWAYS discover the lies. I always discover when things have been kept from me... things I have a right to know.
I wish I could hate. Sometimes it would be easier if I could hate.
So I sit hear with tears in my eyes typing a message in a bottle that no one who does not know will understand, and those that do understand will not read. And all I want is to hear his voice.
Thursday, February 21, 2002
Saturday, February 16, 2002
So this is a disclaimer that covers until Easter... OK.
I am a wee bit grumpy, and likely to stay that way for a while.
I began a health fast for Lent. Not for any particular religious reasons; mainly for health. Hence why it is not called a DIEt. I was a bad girl and ate at Olive Garden on Valentine's Day. The food was wonderful but I felt physically horrid afterwards. I am currently 38 hours into a water and tea fast to rid my body of those toxins. Technically this would end at midnight, but since I will not eat after 7pm, it lasts until tomorrow morning.
*tummy grumbles*
I am a wee bit grumpy, and likely to stay that way for a while.
I began a health fast for Lent. Not for any particular religious reasons; mainly for health. Hence why it is not called a DIEt. I was a bad girl and ate at Olive Garden on Valentine's Day. The food was wonderful but I felt physically horrid afterwards. I am currently 38 hours into a water and tea fast to rid my body of those toxins. Technically this would end at midnight, but since I will not eat after 7pm, it lasts until tomorrow morning.
*tummy grumbles*
Friday, February 15, 2002
What Type of Flirt Are You?
Me?
"You're a Subtle Flirt. Utterly charming, you know how to have a little fun while remaining discreet."
Sounds about right...
Me?
"You're a Subtle Flirt. Utterly charming, you know how to have a little fun while remaining discreet."
Sounds about right...
Tuesday, February 12, 2002
Did I do anything interesting for my birthday? No. I didn't even leave the house. I did fix myself a box of Velveeta macaroni and shells. Whoohoo! Such excitement.
I didn't hear from Eros or Cupid, but I knew I wouldn't. I understand why and am not hurt. I didn't hear from my children and I lay that at my ex's feet. That man needs to see a shrink and get over it already. I was extremely hurt that I did not hear from my parents. Jeez, even an e-card or e-mail saying happy birthday would have meant a lot to me. There is so much I want to say in regards to them... but I won't. You know, it's sad when a kid wishes they had been adopted instead of being born to the parents they were. It's natural to want love from one's parents. I don't have that. I need to stop looking for it.
Thank you to everyone who sent me birthday wished. I appreciate them more than you know. *grins* I do love that feature ICQ has, reminding those on my contact list it was my birthday. Hey I can't expect the world to remember when I forgot my own birthday in 1998 and 2001. Yes, I really did forget. Rather, I wasn't paying attention to the date and it passed me by.
Amore called me at 5:04pm to wish me happy birthday. He is so sick (leukemia) and for him to make that effort (and it was) means meant the world to me. He wanted me to know he didn't forget. I had a good cry after we got off the phone. Not self-pity tears... tears for him. And I am crying now. I love him dearly and it hurts so bad that I am forced (by the VA) to stay here in West Virginia (because of my claim).
OK... my meds are kicking in and I cannot see through my tears.
I didn't hear from Eros or Cupid, but I knew I wouldn't. I understand why and am not hurt. I didn't hear from my children and I lay that at my ex's feet. That man needs to see a shrink and get over it already. I was extremely hurt that I did not hear from my parents. Jeez, even an e-card or e-mail saying happy birthday would have meant a lot to me. There is so much I want to say in regards to them... but I won't. You know, it's sad when a kid wishes they had been adopted instead of being born to the parents they were. It's natural to want love from one's parents. I don't have that. I need to stop looking for it.
Thank you to everyone who sent me birthday wished. I appreciate them more than you know. *grins* I do love that feature ICQ has, reminding those on my contact list it was my birthday. Hey I can't expect the world to remember when I forgot my own birthday in 1998 and 2001. Yes, I really did forget. Rather, I wasn't paying attention to the date and it passed me by.
Amore called me at 5:04pm to wish me happy birthday. He is so sick (leukemia) and for him to make that effort (and it was) means meant the world to me. He wanted me to know he didn't forget. I had a good cry after we got off the phone. Not self-pity tears... tears for him. And I am crying now. I love him dearly and it hurts so bad that I am forced (by the VA) to stay here in West Virginia (because of my claim).
OK... my meds are kicking in and I cannot see through my tears.
Monday, February 11, 2002
32 years ago at this moment (6:05 am PDT) I was born.
Happy birthday to me!
I spent much of yesterday in tears not understanding why. It's not hormones nor turning 32. I think it was and is more from knowing I will be disappointed today. I won't hear from my children. My Eros cannot call me today. I doubt my parents will contact me. It is on holidays and special occasions that I am most reminded about how lonely I truly am.
Too bad I can't spend today as I did Christmas... drunk. *sighs* Comfortably numb is best at times like these.
Happy birthday to me!
I spent much of yesterday in tears not understanding why. It's not hormones nor turning 32. I think it was and is more from knowing I will be disappointed today. I won't hear from my children. My Eros cannot call me today. I doubt my parents will contact me. It is on holidays and special occasions that I am most reminded about how lonely I truly am.
Too bad I can't spend today as I did Christmas... drunk. *sighs* Comfortably numb is best at times like these.
32 years ago at this moment (6:05 am PDT) I was born.
Happy birthday to me!
I spent much of yesterday in tears not understanding why. It's not hormones nor turning 32. I think it was and is more from knowing I will be disappointed today. I won't hear from my children. My Eros cannot call me today. I doubt my parents will contact me. It is on holidays and special occasions that I am most reminded about how lonely I truly am.
Too bad I can't spend today as I did Christmas... drunk. *sighs* Comfortably numb is best at times like these.
Happy birthday to me!
I spent much of yesterday in tears not understanding why. It's not hormones nor turning 32. I think it was and is more from knowing I will be disappointed today. I won't hear from my children. My Eros cannot call me today. I doubt my parents will contact me. It is on holidays and special occasions that I am most reminded about how lonely I truly am.
Too bad I can't spend today as I did Christmas... drunk. *sighs* Comfortably numb is best at times like these.
I have spent much of the night/morning looking for Pre-Raphaelite artwork for web sets. I am working with the Psyche/Eros theme. *imagine that* Don't worry... the butterflies work with the entire theme.
The artists I am liking at the moment are William Bouguereau, Frederic Leighton and Sir Edward Burne-Jones. Much as I love the works of John Waterhouse, I see far too many web sites with his work. That isn't saying that I won't be using his work, but I do want my site to look different than all the others. I want to use lesser know Pre-Raphaelite Masters. I will definitely be doing something with Sir Edward Poynter's "Psyche in the Temple of Love". It quite suits me.
The artists I am liking at the moment are William Bouguereau, Frederic Leighton and Sir Edward Burne-Jones. Much as I love the works of John Waterhouse, I see far too many web sites with his work. That isn't saying that I won't be using his work, but I do want my site to look different than all the others. I want to use lesser know Pre-Raphaelite Masters. I will definitely be doing something with Sir Edward Poynter's "Psyche in the Temple of Love". It quite suits me.
Sunday, February 10, 2002
Heck... if I were dancing again, I would definitely use Rob Zombie "Never Gonna Stop (The Red, Red Kroovy)" in my sets. This is so fun to move to.
And yes... many many moons ago, I did dance professionally... aka stripping. I wanted to see what it was like. I sure got over my modesty quickly. I didn't do lap dances. Stage and cage shows. So I was a nekked go-go dancer. *laughs* It was a blast
And yes... many many moons ago, I did dance professionally... aka stripping. I wanted to see what it was like. I sure got over my modesty quickly. I didn't do lap dances. Stage and cage shows. So I was a nekked go-go dancer. *laughs* It was a blast
Yeah My Durango, number 95.
Take me to the home, kick boots and ultra live.
See heaven flash a horror show.
Knock it nice and smooth step back and watch it flow. Yeaaaaaah
Never gonna stop me,
Never gonna stop.
Never gonna stop me,
Never gonna stop.
Never gonna stop me,
Never gonna stop.
Never gonna stop me,
Never gonna stop.
Yeah the devil ride a dinosaur.
He paint the monster red so the blood don't stain the floor.
In out, real savage show.
Story of a shot came sickness
Watch it flow. Yeaaaaaah
OK... so I am totally in a Rob Zombie mood. I cannot get this song out of my head!
Yeah My Durango, number 95.
Take me to the home, kick boots and ultra live...
Take me to the home, kick boots and ultra live.
See heaven flash a horror show.
Knock it nice and smooth step back and watch it flow. Yeaaaaaah
Never gonna stop me,
Never gonna stop.
Never gonna stop me,
Never gonna stop.
Never gonna stop me,
Never gonna stop.
Never gonna stop me,
Never gonna stop.
Yeah the devil ride a dinosaur.
He paint the monster red so the blood don't stain the floor.
In out, real savage show.
Story of a shot came sickness
Watch it flow. Yeaaaaaah
OK... so I am totally in a Rob Zombie mood. I cannot get this song out of my head!
Yeah My Durango, number 95.
Take me to the home, kick boots and ultra live...
Saturday, February 09, 2002
It's been one of those "stay up all night and listen to love songs night". No tears but a strange calm. I don't understand it and I don't think I should try. The song I am currently listening to it "Wherever You Will Go" by The Calling. The first few times I heard it I couldn't help crying. Now, this morning, *sighs* I know where my heart lies, where it seems it has always lain, and I am serene in that knowledge.
I am through with trying to explain to *nosy* people why my heart belongs to my Eros. Gads, sometimes I just get so pissed when they say negative things in regards to our relationship. What is it about people today; they don't understand that love, true love is not disposable. When the going gets tough... these are the people who cut their losses and run. Well fuck that.
Unconditional love. With no conditions. Why are people so jaded now that they believe it doesn't exist? It does. Jeez people, love isn't supposed to be easy. It is supposed to be a challenge. That's what makes it worth while.
I am through with trying to explain to *nosy* people why my heart belongs to my Eros. Gads, sometimes I just get so pissed when they say negative things in regards to our relationship. What is it about people today; they don't understand that love, true love is not disposable. When the going gets tough... these are the people who cut their losses and run. Well fuck that.
Unconditional love. With no conditions. Why are people so jaded now that they believe it doesn't exist? It does. Jeez people, love isn't supposed to be easy. It is supposed to be a challenge. That's what makes it worth while.
Friday, February 08, 2002
Thursday, February 07, 2002
I am a pissed off camper to say the least!
Thanks to AOHell... I had to reformat my laptop. I got everything reformatted and was installing the video drivers when the damned CD Rom stopped working.No warning at all. Nada. So now, I can't do a bleeping thing on that computer. OK, playing Solitaire doesn't count. Without the CD Rom, I can't load a dratted thing. Can we all say major frustration? Gads... and for some reason I cried. It just was the last straw. I am stuck in bed right now and that stupid thing was my only real form of entertainment. *sighs*
Yes, the housemate has a desktop I can use. The only problem, other than him being on it a lot, is that I can't sit in a chair for very long thanks to this allergy to stair I have.
Boredom (and incomplete web pages) here I come!
Thanks to AOHell... I had to reformat my laptop. I got everything reformatted and was installing the video drivers when the damned CD Rom stopped working.No warning at all. Nada. So now, I can't do a bleeping thing on that computer. OK, playing Solitaire doesn't count. Without the CD Rom, I can't load a dratted thing. Can we all say major frustration? Gads... and for some reason I cried. It just was the last straw. I am stuck in bed right now and that stupid thing was my only real form of entertainment. *sighs*
Yes, the housemate has a desktop I can use. The only problem, other than him being on it a lot, is that I can't sit in a chair for very long thanks to this allergy to stair I have.
Boredom (and incomplete web pages) here I come!
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