On being Poly

The past few days I have done a lot of thinking. I worked through so many feelings and emotions and have finally come to a place of peace and acceptance within myself. So many people cannot truly love even one person. I am blessed with the capability to love more than one person at a time.

One might think that because I am polyamorous that I love easily and often. I do not. I had crushes in school as most do. I cared about my ex husband, but I did not love him in the all consuming way that one wishes for.

I love one man who has been my best friend the past 4 years. Though I love R, I could never live with him in a permanent way. Our spirits are too different. And though I love and care for him dearly, he has lied to me in the past, more times than I can count. I understand why he did it, but it still hurts. I could never give everything that I am to a man I could not trust to tell me the truth. Even if the truth is ugly and vile, I would rather have it than sweet smelling lies. I do eventually find out the truth. When I discover I have been lied to, yet again, I want to throttle him. Yes I can forgive. But I cannot forget.

I love one man, one it seems I have loved my entire life. J is everything to me. I trust him with my life, with my heart, with my soul. I trust him to not intentionally hurt me. Pay attention to the way I said that. I trust him not to intentionally hurt me. Intentionally is the key word there. No matter what sort of relationship one is in, by the very nature of the beast, humans hurt each other. I have hurt people, never intending to. Sometimes the hurt is due to miscommunication. Sometimes the hurt is as a result of something the other has absolutely no control over. Sometimes the hurt is all in the perception. I trust this man to not do something purposely to hurt me. Through the past four years, he and I have been through hell and beyond. But in all this time, he never once did something that I viewed as intentionally causing me pain and hurt.

Have I ever had my feelings hurt? Of course I have. I don't think I would be human if I hadn't. I have cried. I have been disappointed. I have been upset at him. Though strangely enough, I have never been angry at him. For me love is not blind. He has his faults. He is far from perfect. But if I am to love him as deeply and unconditionally as I do, I must love him for everything that makes him the man he is. I do.

J was diagnosed with AML (acute myelogenous leukemia) in early 1997. I was in love with him before I knew he had been diagnosed with it. When I found out, I admit my heart skipped a beat, but then it kept right on beating for him. My heart and emotions would be very fickle and insincere if I were to have let his condition scare me away. I admit it made me look at things in a whole other light. I began looking at life moment to moment, not spending all of my moments wishing for the future. I began to more appreciate the things around me, noticing and reveling in everything.

J and I went through a lot the first few months of our relationship, as most people do. We fought more adversity the first year of our relationship than most couples do in a lifetime. I held fast to my dreams and followed my instincts. When he wanted to give up and end it all, I fought for him and for us. One of the biggest challenges I faced with him was knowing how much he loved me, and yet feeling him pushing me away. I had to find the strength within myself to be strong enough and believe in our dreams for the both of us. He couldn't push me away. I refused to tuck tail and run. Oh, he tried, believe me. But deep down I knew it wasn't what he wanted.

In truth, his leukemia didn't scare me. Oh, I hated it, and I hate what it has done to him. But I always maintained faith that it was beatable. More than 4 years ago he was given 6 months to live. He is still alive today. I know in my heart the reasons he is still alive. Dreams. Faith. Love.

For various reasons, I have been unable to speak with J in over 2 years and 9 months. Though we have been separated, the love I feel for him has not diminished. It has grown stronger and brighter. It has been the ray of light that has kept me alive through my own adversities.

My own challenges have changed me greatly. Though the lack of contact with him has not been J's fault, I felt alone, abandoned, rejected, and betrayed as a result of the broken promises, direct lies and the lies of omission that I was told by others surrounding him. I felt unworthy of the most simple of pleasures. I retreated into my shell. I hated who I had become. My emotions were not bright. They were dark and dreary and gloomy. I sunk into a deep depression. My own health was very problematic and I felt that I was unworthy of love, of being loved. No one would want me as I was becoming. I pushed everyone away from me. I wanted no one to see the monster I had become. I became angry, distrustful and jaded. During this time I still very much loved J. He was the only reason I had not been successful at ending it all. The only thing that kept me alive was the dream of one day holding him, loving him, laying safe in his arms. The dreams he and I made together kept me alive. But I was no longer truly alive. I was a shadow of the woman I had once been. I was dying inside.

Then, something changed in my being a little more than two months ago.

I fell in love with another man.

The emotions I feel for V snuck up on me. I didn't see it coming at all. At first I came to love him as a friend. A little less than 2 weeks ago I realized I had fallen in love with him. Now know that I have had very few people in my life I have even taken into my heart as friends. I can count on two hands the amount of people in my lifetime I have loved as friends, and have fingers left over. So for me to even love him as a friend, agape, is a huge thing for me. At first these strong emotions scared me to no end. Now? Now I smile. I feel. I am waking up. I am alive. Whether he knows it or not, he is the reason I am beginning to heal emotionally. He is helping to erase the hurt and pain and rejection I have felt inside.

He knows (almost) all of my deep dirty little secrets and loves me regardless. Yes, He told me he loves me. Actually, he said it first, though he knew I wanted to say it but I was too scared. He knows all my faults and loves me regardless. I don't have to hide anything from him for fear he will be disgusted or repulsed. He knows how I feel about J. He knows how I feel about R. I don't have to keep secrets with him. That is a wonderful feeling. I trust V. I trust him with my life, my heart, my soul.

The feelings I have for V are on the same level as the feelings I have for J. He excites me in every possible way. When I hear his voice I melt. He brings out the emotions I keep hidden from the rest of the world. He inspires me to be the best I can possibly be. He brings out all of the protectionist instincts I have within me. His needs, wants, desires, and fantasies I want; I yearn to fulfill. He makes my heart sing.

I love him, and I am going to lose him.

I am going to lose him.

V has leukemia. It has been made very clear to me that he is not going to recover from this. I ache so much because I am going to lose him, and I cannot do a damned thing to stop it. I knew he had it before I fell in love with him. It makes no difference to me, to my heart. He refers to himself as "temporary". Sometimes I just want to swat him for saying that. Not because I am in denial, because I am not. I know what the eventuality will be. But I could fall down the flight of stairs tonight and break my neck. I could walk across the street tomorrow and get hit by a car. A plane could land on top of this house, crushing me. Hell, the damned old house could fall down around me. Or I could have a stroke or heart attack. Lightning could zap me through the computer. My point? No one knows exactly when they are going to leave this existance. I learned this long ago. In essence, we are all temporary. Yes he had leukemia. Yes, it will probably be what ends his life here on earth. But there is so much more he can experience in his life. If he shuts himself away , pushes everyone away because he is "temporary", he would lose out on all the rest of the possibilities there are out there.

Perhaps it is selfish of me. There is so much I want to experience with him. I want to touch him, taste him, feel him, breath him. I want to learn from him. I want to love with him, laugh with him, cry with him. When he is angry or frustrated, I want to make him laugh. I want to hold him. I want to be strong for him. I want to ease his pain. I want to make him smile. Maybe just for a moment I want him to forget. I want to show him how truly special he is, how magical. I want to create blessed memories that will remain with me, in my heart, in my soul for all time.

On Love

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."-- Dr. Seuss

Expressions of love cover the spectrum of human life, and each kind of love has its own validity. In the Greek language there are many words for the concept of love. Agape, eros, philos, and storge.

Agape is called divine love. It is love that is spiritual, not sexual in nature. Selfless. Unconditional. Non-judgmental.

Eros is romantic love. Yearning. Desire. Passion. Sexual in nature. Eros is the state of being "in love". Eros is the love that is often referred to when one says that "love is blind".

Philos is brotherly love, love of mankind in general. Philos would also include the love of friends, pets, community, country.

Storge is the instinctive love parents feel towards their young.

"The more you love, the more you can love -- and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had time enough, he could love all of the majority who are decent and just."

I remember the first time I read Robert Heinlein's book "Time Enough For Love". Lazarus Long, the main character in a series of Robert Heinlein novels, lived without jealousy, in a multi-adult intimate family called a nest.

I was in love with the concept. The types of relationships and beliefs that the author was describing made complete sense to me. I felt as though I'd discovered my lost tribe. There were people who had the same feelings I did. I'd always known that my feelings were natural and right for me, but there was no one with whom I could talk about those feelings. It felt like coming home.

In a multi-adult family, the children are showered with an abundance of love. There are more adults to care for them, more people to support the "family". Children are exposed to broader variety of opinions and ideas and tend to be very intelligent and have high ethics and morals.

Multi-adult intimate relationships are polyamorous. Poly means many. Amory refers to the concept of love. In its purest form, the word polyamory means having multiple loves. This is, in my opinion, the crux of understanding my own polyamorous nature.

"Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own."

When I love someone, the love I feel is a combination of agape and eros. I respect them greatly. I love them unconditionally. I love them for who and what they are, including their faults. My love is not blind. I trust them completely. I love them explicitly; clearly, without disguise or reservation. I feel a deep and "soulful" connection with them. I would selflessly do everything in my power to make them happy and keep them safe and well. I am extremely protective of those I love. Love does not subtract. Love does not restrict. True love enjoys the freedom of its object, and feels pride when loved ones grow and explore.

"Sin lies only in hurting others unnecessarily. All other "sins" are invented nonsense."

I have known for a long time that I had the capability to be in love with more than one person at a time. I know some people would see that as being fickle or say that I am not truly in love if I am in love with another. Not so. I have only been truly in love with two men and loved another in my life. And I still love with each of them. Each one plays a specific role in my life. Without each person in my life, I would be missing something, not feel complete. Do I love each one the same way? No. Each is a completely different person. Mangos, pineapples, and peaches are not the same, though they are all types of fruit. Thus is it the same with the men I love. I do not compare them because it is not possible.

I am open and honest with my beliefs and interests. All three men know that I love the other. All three men know each other. I keep secrets from none of them.

For me, polyamory means that I have the ability and desire to love more than one person simultaneously, some of them sexually, others non-sexually. I believe that my feelings for one person are not diminished by feelings for another person.

"A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything. Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity."

Could I love a woman? Yes. I have no taboos against loving a woman. I have never had a close relationship with a woman, so it would be a completely new experience. The majority of my friends have always been male. Could I be in a relationship with a male I loved and share him with another woman? Yes. Granted that also depends on the other woman. There could be no jealousy whatsoever. Jealousy would be disasterous.


"Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo."
-- H. G. Wells

Love is not being judgmental.

"Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven."

"Great Spirit, Let me not criticize another until I have walked a mile in his moccasins."