OK, major disclaimer here. It is almost 6 am, I have had very little sleep in the past few days, I have a frickin' migraine and I am crying my eyes out like a baby because I got my feelings hurt. No matter how hard I try I always seem to get stabbed in the back and have my poor fragile little feelings crushed. Sometimes I wonder why I bother.

I have always had "Pollyanna" syndrome. I always try and find something good about every situation and every person in my life. In the past it has helped me through many tough times when most people would have walked away and given up, perhaps even in a permanent way. I used to think it was a good trait. Now I am wondering if it just opens me up to heartache, anguish and misery.

Why do people gossip? Does it truly make them feel better to tear another person down behind that person's back? Over the past months but more specifically the few days I have heard many different rumors about myself that have been making the gossip circuit for the past few years. And what pisses me off most is people actually believed this shit. Did they come to me about their questions or concerns? Hell no. Instead of coming to me about it to find out the truth they discussed these rumors (their *rolling eyes* concern for me) with other people, thereby spreading the hurtful insinuations, misinterpretations and lies further. Worse yet people started believing what they were hearing.

Due to circumstances beyond my control I did not have regular online access for almost 3 years. Living like a gypsy and then signing your life away to the Navy will do that. I no longer could chat every day. Email was the only form of online communication I really had. Let me state for the record that until 6 months ago I had the same damned primary email account for 4 years and though I now have my own domain, that account is still active so those who will claim that they didn't know how to contact me can kiss my sweet pink ass. I tell you this, people bitch a lot about never receiving email. These are the same people who don't write emails. They consider the forwarding of a joke a valid form of communication. I could go on and on about the lost art of letter writing, but that is for another diatribe.

The jist of it is, all of these people who were supposedly my "friends" were gossiping behind my back and never bothered to find out the truth. Did they even have the balls to tell me what was being said about me? NO! All these people were and still are talking behind my back and I had no real clue. All I knew is that I was suddenly getting the cold shoulder from people I had considered to be my family.

The rumors? The lovely one was a warped twist of the truth. Due to injuries sustained during training during the Navy I spend 2 months in a medical hold ward and 11 months (yes months) in a Navy hospital and was then medically discharged. An Honorable Discharge I might add. I was living in a medical hold unit where the "broken" people were. How was this warped and twisted? Somehow (and I know who started this one) I went from being injured to being insane. I have been informed that I was actually committed to the Navy psych ward during this time. Pardon me? Nope. I lived in 8 South (crips and gimps) not 5 East (nuts and bolts).

Yes I was depressed, of COURSE I was depressed (11 months in a hospital. Hello?) but I was not then nor am I now insane. But there is that one person out there who has made it his purpose in life to announce to the world how crazy I am and tear me down so he can feel better about his own life. People have given his lies credence because I had lived platonically with him for the period of 89 days total. He has proven himself to be a lying two-faced bastard and someday he will get his. What goes around comes around and it is coming. More and more people are starting to put the puzzle pieces together. I should be happy about that but I am not. I am sad because I care so little for this semblance of a human being because of the hurt he has caused me that if his house were on fire I don't think I could rouse the enthusiasm to even piss on the fire. I might spit though just to say I tried. (note to self: Learn how to spit without dribbling on yourself) Don't get me wrong. The Pollyanna in me doesn't wish him harm. That doesn't meld with my personal beliefs either. I just hope that all the good and bad in his life comes back to him tenfold.

*re-reading diatribe*

You know, what crushed my feelings and set me off this morning weren't even the rumors of the past. It was the new ones, the insinuations and the misinterpretations that hurt. But without all the past hurt these minor ones would have really just rolled off my back without a second thought. Someone said something and though I know full well they didn't mean to hurt me with it, they did. I shouldn't let the little things get to me, but I do now. I am so hypersensitive to everything. *crying again* Damnit and I hate crying. And another hurt my feelings because I tried sending them messages online but it appeared I was suddenly persona non grata because I just kept getting "_____ is unavailable" messages.

Smack me please! I should know better but I think this is the part of the movie where Pollyanna becomes depressed after breaking her leg falling out of the tree and the light is no longer reflecting rainbows into her life. I am about ready to throw away all plans and go and hide in a cave somewhere where no one can find me. Pollyanna had people in her life who loved her and helped her to find the rainbows. I envy her.

There is one person who has steamrolled into my life emanating rays of light everywhere and she has introduced me to many wonderful people. She adopted me into her wacky (she said it) family and I will always be grateful to her for sharing her light with me. I love her dearly and wish I could make her life one continuous rainbow after another.

*3 hours later having re-reading diatribe*

*stifling giggles* Oh goodness. I did it! I really did it and I didn't even see it coming! Pollyanna syndrome kicked in. I found something bright and shining and good and wonderful. Damnit! *chuckles* I think it was the request for someone to smack me please. Those who know and love 'elf know full well she would do just that and enjoy every moment of it. She is a fabulous woman and a spectacular artist and a more wacky and wonderful friend one will never find. She was even ready to defend my virtue with many and varied sharp pointy objects. *chuckles* She has lured me out of my cave and is helping me to see the rainbows again.

Visit ElvenGlass for a small taste of 'elf's talent. For those of you who are racking your brains looking for that perfect birthday present for me (February 11th) *hint hint* ElvenGlass would do quite nicely. Really. I mean it. Truly. I can never have to many boxes to store all my goodies in. And don't forget this sweet and innocent one on Valentine's Day. I would simply adore a bottle of mead (ambrosia for the Goddess) and matching goblets and a box to store them in and keep them safe. Pssssst... this week I love purples and blues. See. I have just made your life so much more simple. Aren't I just wonderful?

Many blessings on your journeys and adventures.
I shall continue on mine now.
Psyche

01:01 01/01/01

Yes, I am starting this at one minute after 1am, the first day of the first day of the first year of the third millennium. "The first year of the third millennium? I thought that was last year?" some of you will be saying. Many scholars agree that the beginning of the third millennium did not start on January 1, 2000 but began today, January 1, 2001. Arthur C. Clarke, author of "2001 : A Space Odyssey" stated in 1999, "Though some people have great difficulty in grasping this... we'll have had only 99 years of this century by January 1 2000." That it true. The number 10 is not the beginning of a series of numbers, nor is 100 or 2000. It is the end. 1 has always been the first. Thus, today is the first day of the first year of the new millennium.

In any case, it was not the end of the world.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about my future lately. I am 30 years old and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I didn't know at 10, I thought I knew at 20, but at 30 I just have no clue. Correction: I have too damned many clues. In the craziness that has been my existence for the past 4 years so much has happened in my life. I am divorced. My children are living with their father in Washington state. I enlisted in the Navy at the age of 29 *still questioning sanity* and was medically discharged 15 months later due to injuries sustained during training. I am now living in West Virginia, trying to settle my disability benefits claim with the Veteran's Administration. As soon as my claim is settled I am OUT OF HERE!!! Argh! I feel as though my life is on hold waiting for things that may take years. And of course the VA is in no hurry. That's the government for you. Hurry up and wait.

So I am in limbo right now. The docs will not allow me to work and I am attempting to survive off unemployment which ends the end of this month. So now I have the stresses about how I am going to support myself when some days I can barely even take care of myself due to my various medical conditions. *scowls* I want my damned life back!

I already know I qualify for money to get my degree. But what do I want to be? I want to do everything! One of my dreams has always been to get my PhD in psychology. The VA will pay for 4 years of it and I qualify for grant money to cover the rest. But is that what I really want to spend my life doing? I don't know anymore. I don't know if I want to deal with the stress of working in the mental health field again. The burn out rate is high. Stress makes my conditions worse. So then what? What type of degree do I pursue? I could study graphic design. Whether I work in the field or not it is still something I plan on learning. I would also love to do costuming. I used to be good at creating clothing and costumes. I could always go to school and learn design and perhaps even theater production. Some of the best times of my life were spent involved in theater.

See what I mean? I have so many things that interest me. I want to see and do it all.

How did I get started on this whole diatribe? The damned New Years resolutions. I hate them. Did I actually make resolutions this year? I prefer to make my resolutions all year long. *nods* But I am feeling generous and I will share...

- Do what it takes to get my VA claim settled.
- Move from West Virginia. Right now New York is looking really good. There are many wonderful people there who have embraced me and have become my family.
- Do the dreaded diet thing? Oh course I would love to have my pre-injury body back, but I want my health back more. So what is I have a big ass? If they don't like it they can go away. *nods* I will starve for no man.
- Continue bettering myself every day. Never stop learning. The day I stop learning is the day I die.
- Never stop believing in my dreams... never stop dreaming.
- And eat some real sushi!!!


It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.
- Andre Gide

I wish everyone many wondrous dreams,
Psyche