So I sit here awake. I tried to sleep but my thoughts have kept me awake. Is it really my thoughts or was it my fears. Let's vote for the fears shall we?

I had hoped I would be in a far different place in my life at the age of 32. I didn't think I would be alone and yet I am. "The best laid plans of mice and men..." Whatever that means. *shrugs*

I don't know what I am really feeling here at this moment. Anger, fear, sadness, terror. For the past few nights I have been having horrendous dreams. 9/11. Titanic. In one dream I was tortured. Another I was raped. I fell. I was burned. I drowned. Suddenly sharks are popping into my head and scenes from a shark movie with LL Cool J that I cannot remember the name to.

In every dream I am ultimately dealing with the tragedies alone.

That was the nightmare.

I have realized... I have always had to be the strong one. There has never been someone there for me when I needed them. That is truly sad. I have people who say they love me, and I believe in their own way they do... I truly do. But when I was raped... I went through it alone. When physically broken and stuck in the Navy medical facilities for 13 months I had no moral support. Those I loved and thought loved me abandoned me, yes even my parents.

I do not try to push people away. I will not beg for their attention either. I should not have to.

For the past few days I have been wondering what is it about me... Do I expect too much? I didn't think so. Common courtesy. I don't even request respect. When a promise is given I expect it be honored. Is that too much to ask?

I am just so tired of living this pitiful wreck my life has become. This does not mean I am suicidal. I am not. It just means I am tired and cannot go on living this life.

As I type this the words to Train's "Meet Virginia" are going through my mind. "...pulls her hair back as she screams... I don't really want to live this life"

I cannot, repeat CANNOT continue living this life. What made me ME is dying inside. Already I am a shadow of the woman I once was. I don't like this. I don't like who I have become. Distrustful. Paranoid. Jaded. I cannot trust people now. I have been lied to and had my heart ripped out too often. I didn't say the pain caused me was intentional... but painful it was. And still promises have been broken.

More than anything on this Earth I need to speak with the one who matters most in my life. For reasons unknown to me, this is disallowed. I don't get it. I will never get it. I will never accept it.

Babbling? Not really say I. My mind is clear. Yes I am angry and yes I am hurt. I detest lies, either blatant or through omission. When will people learn that I ALWAYS discover the lies. I always discover when things have been kept from me... things I have a right to know.

I wish I could hate. Sometimes it would be easier if I could hate.

So I sit hear with tears in my eyes typing a message in a bottle that no one who does not know will understand, and those that do understand will not read. And all I want is to hear his voice.