I am sleep challenged.

Rather introspective tonight.

I am not perfect and so I work very hard at not expecting it in others. I like that the human psyche has flaws. It has so much more character that way. Perfection just seems so superficial to me.

There are people who never admit to being wrong. I am wrong, often and profusely. I was today and I will likely be so tomorrow. I made some wrong choices that I am not thrilled with. I can either choose to regret them and add them to the host of ghosts, demons and skeletons, or I can learn from them and move on. I think they may want to hang around for a while. Pesky things. I think others may choose try to shackle them to me.

I got a big distracted. I found some old writings of mine from years and years ago. Interesting stuff. I was so edgy back then. More and more I find myself cycling back to the way I felt during those time periods.


My life is a big puzzle. People think they see the whole picture, but they only have the few pieces I am willing to share. No one has the full picture, not even Kevin. Some of those pieces are just so dark...

What we see online, or really anywhere, are just puzzle pieces. Some think they are so smart, thinking they see the full picture. Really, the only one who does have that picture is the one living it.

And that is ok.

Why do people think they are actually entitled to all the pieces?

I have never understood this. This sense of entitlement.

There was a time when I made a lot of choices in my life that people did not agree with. Others judged me poorly, though their own lives were not perfect. You know what they say, "Point a finger at someone else and four point back at yourself."

I pointed a finger yesterday.

Now, I am staring at those four fingers... remembering... and wanting to hide my ghosts, demons and skeletons. Am I ashamed of them? Perhaps. But moreso, they are MINE. I share then with who I chose to.



So I look back on some of my writings from that dark time period. I am going to post some quotes from others, to remind myself...


"Sin lies only in hurting others unnecessarily. All other "sins" are invented nonsense."

"Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven."

"Great Spirit, Let me not criticize another until I have walked a mile in his moccasins."

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
- Dr. Seuss

Superwoman has left the body!

Today being a bad fibro day.

I purchased a new web domain tonight... in honor of the name Brandy calls me...

Her Snarkiness

What was No.1 on the day you were born?

the U.S. No.1 was... Venus by Shocking Blue

the U.K. No.1 was... Love Grows (Where My Rosemary Goes) by Edison Lighthouse

From the first hello you gave to me
I’ve done nothing else but smile
And I know you’re in a hurry
but it’s gonna take a while.
So forgive me if we go slow,
but there’s something I think you should know...

I’m goin fast as I can, please don’t make me rush
this feeling’s coming on way too fast
I’ll tell you all of the things that you’ll never forget
But I’m not ready say ‘I love you’ yet
I’m not ready to say ‘I love you’ yet.

Don’t push me in too deep,
I’ve always been the fool who rushes in.
You’ve got to take the pieces one-by-one
before you’ve got everything.
So forgive me if we go slow,
but there’s something I think you should know...

I’m goin fast as I can, please don’t make me rush
this feeling’s coming on way too fast
I’ll tell you all of the things that you’ll never forget
But I’m not ready say ‘I love you’ yet
I’m not ready to say ‘I love you’ yet.

Oh! There’ll be times when I’m mistaken
there’ll be times when we’re gonna fight
but you needn’t doubt we can work it out
and in time we’ll make it right.
So forgive me if we go slow,
but there’s something I think you should know...

I’m goin fast as I can, please don’t make me rush
this feeling’s coming on way too fast
I’ll tell you all of the things that you’ll never forget
But I’m not ready say ‘I love you’ yet
I’m not ready to say ‘I love you’ yet.

I’m goin fast as I can, please don’t make me rush
this feeling’s coming on way too fast
I’ll tell you all of the things that you’ll never forget
But I’m not ready say ‘I love you’ yet
I’m not ready to say ‘I love you’ yet.


-- Alan Doyle
(Great Big Sea)

I know I have not updating in a long while. Much has changed in my life...

As some know... and others will learn... many months ago I fell in love with a man who makes my heart sing. Because of him I smile true smiles of happiness and cry tears of joy. I adore him. I cherish him. I love him unconditionally.

We originally met online in 1998 in a chatroom. No we didn't fall all over each other right away. I was jaded. He was scared. The time was not right for either of us. But we became friends. Last year I began to realize how I might be feeling for him, but I kept those feelings locked far away. That scared me. I have been hurt so much in the past. No way was I ready to open myself up to care for another again. My heart was not ready. My psyche was not ready.

Earlier this year I finally began to heal enough and be brave enough to open up to him. It has been a long and scary road for me, because I have more than my share of skeletons, demons, and ghosts in my closet, under the bed and in the attic. But over time I have shared all of my deep dark secrets with him, subconsciencely trying to scare him away. Though many of my beasties did scare him, they didn't scare him away. Never once did he run.

We have our issues and challenges. I know my health conditions are not easy to live with for me, let alone another person. I swore long ago I would not be a burden to another. I am also older than him... by 7 years, 3 months, 2 weeks less 3 minutes. For a long time I hid behind my disabilities and my age. They scare me as well as him. But we are dealing with them one baby step at a time.

Our friendship grew and so did our feelings. One day I realized that not only did I love him, but that I was IN love with him! This shocked me because I didn't think I was capable of loving someone so deeply again. Totally. Completely. Unconditionally.

We had talked for a few months about me coming to Atlanta for a visit. Things changed in my life and I made the decision to actually move to Atlanta. I would get my own apartment and we would see how things went. No pressure and no promises. We would see face to face if what we were feeling from a distance would have the needed chemistry face to face. I must admit I was a wreck! *L* I knew that I would definitely feel chemistry towards him, but would he towards me? All my silly female insecurities made me a neurotic mess!!!

On August 1st, I hopped a Greyhound to Atlanta to begin a new chapter in my life. I took 5 suitcases/trunks with me, leaving all else behind. I wasn't sure what I would find when I got there, but I knew what I felt in my heart and I knew that if nothing else, I would have a fantastic friend.

Love grows from our capacity to give what is deepest within ourselves and also receive what is deepest within another person. The heart becomes an ocean strong and deep, launching all on it's tide. My bounty is as boundless as the sea, My love as deep; the more I give to thee, The more I have..

- William Shakespeare

Some serious changes in my life are about to take place... and I am scared out of my wits... but in a good way.

*crossing fingers and toes*

um... I HATE PACKING!!!
*LOL*

So much has happened and changed in my life. I smile now. I am truly happy. Love will do that to a person.

The mystery of love
is greater than
the mystery of death.
- Oscar Wilde

Imagine a woman who believes it is right and good she is a woman.
A woman who honors her experience and tells her stories.
Who refuses to carry the sins of others within her body and life.

Imagine a woman who believes she is good.
A woman who trusts and respects herself,
Who listens to her needs and desires, and meets them with tenderness and grace.

Imagine a woman who has acknowledged the past's influence on the present.
A woman who has walked through her past,
Who has healed into the present.

Imagine a woman who authors her own life.
A woman who exerts, initiates, and moves on her own behalf,
Who refuses to surrender except to her truest self and to her wisest voice.

Imagine a woman who names her own gods.
A woman who imagines the divine in her image and likeness,
Who designs her own spirituality and allows it to inform her daily life.

Imagine a woman in love with her own body.
A woman who believes her body is enough, just as it is,
Who celebrates her body and its rhythms and cycles as an exquisite resource.

Imagine a woman who honors the face of the Goddess in her changing face.
A woman who celebrates the accumulation of her years and her wisdom,
Who refuses to use precious energy disguising the changes in her body and life.

Imagine a woman who values the women in her life.
A woman who sits in circles of women,
Who is reminded of the truth about herself when she forgets.

Imagine yourself as this woman.


- author unknown

I Want Somebody...

Trying to sleep but find I am unable. So many thoughts going through my head, so many things to decide.

I am currently listening to Depeche Mode - Somebody. I was 15 the first time I heard it at a friend's house and I fell for the song. Since that moment I considered it my song. Some used to say I was dreaming for wanting the type of person described in the song. I knew sometime, somewhere I would find that special somebody for me. For a long time, in fact more than 10 years, I have been unable to listen to this song that was at one time my favorite. Hearing it would bring me to tears, sobbing uncontrolably. I felt hopeless... I would never find that sort of love.

I wanted, I needed to hear that song, after I got of the telephone with someone a short while ago. I don't really know or fully understand why. I think that for the first time in longer than I care to remember, I don't feel that I cannot completely be myself with someone. I don't need to hide parts of my life in order for someone to care about me. I don't need to hide behind a veil of secrecy. I am no longer afraid to live.

I admit I did have tears in my eyes while listening to it, though not tears of sadness. For the first time in what feels like a lifetime, I know that someday I will have my somebody.



I want somebody to share, share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts, know my intimate details
Someone who'll stand by my side and give me support
And in return He'll get my support

He will listen to me when I want to speak
About the world we live in and life in general
Though my views may be wrong, they may even be perverted
He'll hear me out and won't easily be converted
To my way of thinking in fact he'll often disagree
But at the end of it all He will understand me

I want somebody who cares for me passionately
With every thought and with every breath
Someone who'll help me see things in a different light
All the things I detest I will almost like

I don't want to be tied to anyone's strings
I'm carefully trying to steer clear of those things
But when I'm asleep I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me and kiss me tenderly

Though things like this make me sick
In a case like this I'll get away with it

Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones,
as the wind blows out the candle and fans the bonfire.
- La Rochefoucald

I do not know what it is about you that closes and opens;
only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses
- E.E. Cummings

I am again stuck in bed. June 10, while at the mall, I was sideswipped by 2 year old twin demons whose mother had not caged or leashed them. Well I zigged, they zagged and I landed on my arse instead of landing on them. I re-fractured my hip, the same hip I stress fractured in in 1999 in the Navy and again in December of last year. Hip replacement surgery has been mentioned and I am chosing to ignore the mentioning. Now is not the time for me to have surgery.

So, since I have nothing better to do, I have done a lot of research and thinking this past month and as a result have added a few more pages to my site. On June 11th I wrote a piece on What I Want in a Relationship. It is perhaps the most thought out piece of writing I have ever done. Since posting it I have already had numerous responses to it, including requests for permission to reprint and share. I am glad people are responding positively to a personal piece written to help me see things clearly.

I have had requests for more personal information about me on my sites and so I just finished adding pages about my Astrology signs as well as my Personal Astrology Profile and info on the Romantic Needs of Aquarians. Though the information on Astrology pages was not written by me, it does give a lot of insight into what makes me tick. I didn't realize until recently how much of an Aquarian I truly am. And though I can't think of a single woman alive who cares to lay claim to being a "dog", one can definitely tell I was born during the Chinese Year of the Dog.

AQUARIUS AND GEMINI
Gemini is willing to go along with Aquarius's taste for experiment. In addition, Aquarius calms down Gemini's flightiness and is a stabilizing influence. They enjoy each other's quick, intelligent minds and will have fascinating conversations about people, ideas, and places. They love to socialize, they have a wide range of outside activities, and neither is particularly jealous or proprietary They'll be fine bed-mates and fascinating friends.

http://astrologysource.com/aquarius.html

AQUARIUS - GEMINI:
Aquarius and Gemini see life through something of a similar window of vision. In many cases, this is a perfect match and one that could end up being permanent, as you both live in the mind and will feed off each other's crazy schemes and dreams. You share a tendency to debate all sorts of off- the-wall ideas and topics. With some visual stimulation (lots of mirrors in the room, a good movie or two plus gizmos and gadgets) you can share many passionate nights between the sheets, as you both love to be both mentally, and sexually stimulated. This can be a wonderful match and one that is definitely going to be one to remember whatever the outcome.

http://www.starwoman.com/starsign.cfm?sign=20&page=sub&id=826&relationships=1

GEMINI - AQUARIUS:
When this relationship works, it really works. You will be attracted to the Aquarius intelligence and concerns about the world at large. They will appreciate your social contacts and ability to communicate with anyone you meet. This relationship might not turn out to be long-term but will teach you loads of new and interesting things.
http://www.starwoman.com/starsign.cfm?sign=12&page=sub&id=738&relationships=1

Within you, I lose myself.
Without you, I find myself
Searching to be lost again.

I can stand with the weight of the world
On my shoulders
I can fight with the toughest of the tough
I can laugh in the face
Of all my insecurities
Anytime, anywhere, anything
I'm strong enough

But when you're holding me like this
I'm carelessly lost in your touch
I'm completely defenseless
Baby, it's almost too much
I'm helplessly, hopelessly, recklessly
Falling in love

So let consequence do what it will to us
I don't care
Let the stars stand as witness to it all
Say the word and tonight I will follow you anywhere
I just can't pretend anymore
I'm too sturdy to fall

But when you're holding me like this
I'm carelessly lost in your touch
I'm completely defenseless
Baby, it's almost too much
I'm helplessly, hopelessly, recklessly
Falling in love

I am not afraid
I am not afraid

'Cause when you're holding me like this
I'm carelessly lost in your touch
I'm completely defenseless
Baby, it's almost too much
I'm helplessly, hopelessly, recklessly
Falling...
(Helplessly, hopelessly, recklessly falling)
I'm helplessly, hopelessly, recklessly
Falling in love

-- Brett James and Troy Verges

I can't hide the way I feel about you anymore
I can't hold the hurt inside, keep the pain out of my eyes anymore
My tears no longer waiting... my resistance ain't that strong
My mind keeps recreating a life with you alone
And I'm tired of pretending that I don't love you anymore

Let me make one last appeal to show you how I feel about you...
Cause there's no one else I swear, holds a candle, anywhere, next to you
My heart can't take the beating of not having you to hold
A small voice keeps repeating deep inside my soul...
It says I can't keep pretending that I don't love you anymore

I've got to take the chance or let it pass by
If I expect to get on with my life
With my life...

And I can't hide the way I feel about you anymore
And I can't hold the hurt inside, keep the pain out of my eyes anymore
My tears no longer waiting
Oh, my resistance ain't that strong
Oh, my mind keeps recreating a love with you alone
And I'm tired of pretending I don't love you anymore... anymore... anymore

-- Travis Tritt