I made a decision this morning. I am backing away from many things for a while. The death of my brother and the reasons for the estrangement with my family has effected me more that I had realized. I need to take a step back and take a long hard look at my life and decide what it really is that I want.

No matter what I do I will never have the approval of my family that I have yearned for all of my life. No more will I continue to strive for that unconditional love. It will never be there. My family will never be proud of me. I must find peace with that.

I must stop looking for approval in the eyes of others. I must again learn to truly love the woman I see in the mirror. Hers is the only approval I need.

I must forgive myself for hurting others. I must forgive myself for allowing others to hurt me. I must forgive others for hurting me. I must forgive myself for hurting myself. To do this I must walk away from the past and into the future, always living in the present.

I awoke from a dream and started writing. I saw many things in this dream; tears, pain, anguish, a long journey, smiles, happiness, contentment, fulfillment. All were not mine. I saw others fulfill their dreams as well.

I must begin again my journey of discovery in this life I have been gifted with. I have many things to learn that I did not learn growing up. In essence I must learn to walk again. I will take baby steps at first. I have no doubt that I will stumble backwards and fall on my bottom on many occasions. I can chose to sit there and wallow in my tears and frustrations or I can chose to get up and try again. I think we can all learn much from children.

By species I am a homo sapien (I think *g*). My birth certificate says I am female. These are facts. All other labels, names, and definitions I now cast off. They are nothing more than chains and I refuse to be bound by chains of another?s making. I am a human woman. Nothing less, an infinite amount more.

These past few days I have discovered that the best family is the one you chose yourself.

The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof.
- Richard Bach


Many blessings on your journeys and adventures.
I shall continue on mine now.
Psyche

In Memory of My Brother
August 17, 1971 - December 05, 2000

When I woke up this morning
Wiped from the sleep from my eyes
I found a new day dawning
And suddenly I realized
You're gone...

Tell me I was dreaming
That you didn't leave me here to cry
You didn't say you don't love me anymore
It was just my imagination telling lies
Tell me that you didn't say goodbye

I'm in state of confusion
I hope things aren't what they seem
If this is really happening
Just let me go back to dream
You're home...

Tell me I was dreaming
That you didn't leave me here to cry
You didn't say you don't love me anymore
It was just my imagination telling lies
Tell me that you didn't say goodbye

Tell me I was dreaming
That you didn't leave me here to cry
You didn't say you don't love me anymore
It was just my imagination telling lies
Tell me that you didn't say goodbye

Don't tell me you didn't say goodbye

Shock... Grief

Hug your loved ones. Tell them that you love them.

I was just informed by my mother that my 29 year old brother is dead. Homicide has not been ruled out though the police believe it was suicide. It doesn't matter. He is dead. He leaves behind 3 young daughters just over a year old.

Due to conflicts in the family I had not spoken with my brother since 1997. I am now beating myself up wondering if I had made that first move, would he still be alive. If it was suicide... if I had been there for him... maybe...

He was my baby brother, just 18 months younger than I am. I will never again see him smile. I will never again hear him laugh. We had our problems, but he was still my brother.

Please... if you are estranged from anyone in your family and can mend those wounds, please, I beg of you, do all you can to do so. My regrets will haunt me the rest of my life.