I made a decision this morning. I am backing away from many things for a while. The death of my brother and the reasons for the estrangement with my family has effected me more that I had realized. I need to take a step back and take a long hard look at my life and decide what it really is that I want.

No matter what I do I will never have the approval of my family that I have yearned for all of my life. No more will I continue to strive for that unconditional love. It will never be there. My family will never be proud of me. I must find peace with that.

I must stop looking for approval in the eyes of others. I must again learn to truly love the woman I see in the mirror. Hers is the only approval I need.

I must forgive myself for hurting others. I must forgive myself for allowing others to hurt me. I must forgive others for hurting me. I must forgive myself for hurting myself. To do this I must walk away from the past and into the future, always living in the present.

I awoke from a dream and started writing. I saw many things in this dream; tears, pain, anguish, a long journey, smiles, happiness, contentment, fulfillment. All were not mine. I saw others fulfill their dreams as well.

I must begin again my journey of discovery in this life I have been gifted with. I have many things to learn that I did not learn growing up. In essence I must learn to walk again. I will take baby steps at first. I have no doubt that I will stumble backwards and fall on my bottom on many occasions. I can chose to sit there and wallow in my tears and frustrations or I can chose to get up and try again. I think we can all learn much from children.

By species I am a homo sapien (I think *g*). My birth certificate says I am female. These are facts. All other labels, names, and definitions I now cast off. They are nothing more than chains and I refuse to be bound by chains of another?s making. I am a human woman. Nothing less, an infinite amount more.

These past few days I have discovered that the best family is the one you chose yourself.

The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof.
- Richard Bach


Many blessings on your journeys and adventures.
I shall continue on mine now.
Psyche